notmypresident: (Joan sad)
I was feeling quite down and despondent for most of yesterday. I'm not entirely sure that it was a result of the diet, but that's what I'm pointing to as the cause. Not that it matters what was or wasn't behind it all. What matters is that I spent the day questioning a lot of things, including why I'm still here.

It's sobering (to say the least) to realize that you're damaged goods. The prospects of finding someone to love have plummeted to practically being non-existent thanks to my nightly dialysis and the abdominal catheter (which I must always be mindful of to prevent accidentally ripping it out). And that's not even taking into account the dizziness and weakness that continues to interfere with my mobility. It even affects (gasp!) one's sex life. I'm not necessarily complaining about these issues, just pointing them out as reasons why any relationship seems improbable.

There were other things that occupied my mind yesterday as well, enough to make me passingly consider the possibility of suicide. There's only ever been one occasion where I've seriously come close to committing the act (and yesterday wasn't one of them). A friend was able to talk me down from my (virtual) ledge that time. I wholeheartedly believe in suicide and have no issue with the thought of The Afterlife (because there is none). It's really the thought of letting my dad down that provides a strong incentive for not ending my own life. And again, this was something that only entered my thoughts yesterday; I wasn't actively considering it as an option.

Today is a little better. I'm forcing myself to eat a bit more — funny, how a train of thought like yesterday's turns out to be a great appetite suppressant — but I'm still not running on all cylinders. We'll see if things continue to improve.

Date/Time: 2017-08-11 20:53 (UTC)Posted by: [personal profile] furr_a_bruin
furr_a_bruin: (Grayness)
Two things: first, at 52 I've never been in a romantic relationship and for a while now I've considered the idea that I ever will to be ridiculous. I mean - for someone to decide it's a good idea to become attached to someone who's never been in a relationship this far into his life is kinda crazy... and I don't want crazy. ;) I know people who'd absolutely wig out over this - but it really doesn't bother me; the panic some people have over "dying alone" is utterly incomprehensible to me. (Do they ever consider that the person they leave behind will die both alone and bereaved?)

Second - while some progress has been made in a few states on allowing people with terminal illnesses to make a dignified exit ... there's still no answer for the possibility that terrifies me most deeply ... dementia. About the best I can do, as far as I can tell, is to set up a living will that states if I'm ever declared incompetent to manage my own affairs, all medical support will end other than comfort care. That's nowhere near enough, IMO. I've had two friends deal with parents who slipped into various forms of dementia and my own Aunt Phyllis died of a series of strokes. Either losing my mind or being stuck in a brain that's had its I/O interface destroyed both scare the utter crap out of me - being dead would be vastly preferable.